Wednesday, May 31

chuck norris party in my mind!

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Normal razors and hair trimmers do not affect Chuck Norris’s beard. He created his own grooming machine, but anyone who has seen it later died of roundhouse kick related injuries.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey, " and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.


more to come!


Chuck Norris responded to the Chuck Norris Facts on his official website with the following statement:

I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds"? They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts.

Tuesday, May 30

live blog from work (shhh)

at work, i am spacing out and having i heart katamari fantasies when i close my eyes. i have intense urges to see rainbows and stardust and planets. also, intense urges to abandon responsibility and have some sort of party. mind party. travel party. swim party.
new thoughts: why haven't i been checking my favorite music blogs lately?
more to come...

Monday, May 29

today i went to brighton beach with my friends for memorial day. it was really fun! i have managed to wrangle some free time lately, and this week i have actually had wednesday, friday, and today, monday, off. if that is not the most awesome thing ever! some things i have been wanting to do with my free time:
paint some portraits
practice good hygene

the other day (the other Day I Had Off), on a whim, i looked up my favorite tv show on the internet, and low and behold, it had a website. Great Chefs of the World was on my entire childhood, and, as i missed so much school as a child, i have many memories of watching at home during my days off. the show travels around the world in search of the greatest chefs known, and watches them while they make their specialty. it is no frills with just some british guy translating as the chefs mumble to themselves with relaxing jazz guitar in the background. what the chefs make is ridiculous- so complex, it truely only resembles an artistic interpretation of food.

they (pbs) stopped playing it recently, and i was very concerned when i saw the website was based in new orleans and looked like it was made in 1994, but my trusty friend emilio called them, assuring me that they are intact. so intact we found that we could buy the whole series for 350$. thats a steal! i am seriously considering getting another credit card for the garuntee of this purchase. oh, i am forgetting. the best part about the website is that they have all the recipes. All Of Them. you should really check it out if you have any interest in food and/or elaborate ritual.

Saturday, May 27

i am trying to decide whether to buy a banjo or an autoharp.

Wednesday, May 24

food safety

last night i got food poisoning for the second time in a year. remarkably and also terrifyingly, both instances were born of my personal home cooked cuisine. is new york just a place where things spoil fast or am i a harbinger of my own death?
the first time, the poisoning was admittedly not my fault, as i had bought some tainted loose packaged lettuce from the nasty grocery down the street. my luck, and i was down for about 2 days. i will never eat unpackaged greens again.
this time, i ate some pasta that i had had unrefridgerated all day, eating it for dinner because i did not have time for lunch. i didn't think that eating pasta that had been in tupperwear all day would be bad- i have lived a long life and had never poisoned myself on "old lunches" ever. the pasta didn't even have meat or dairy product in it and also had lots of garlic that is supposed to kill bacteria. sadly last night was my turn to learn my lesson about old lunch.
Old Lunch is no longer acceptable.

Thursday, May 18

better, more organized fashioning of a blog post


dear readers,
have you ever had the priveledge of attending a world fashion conference? unknown to most "weathered" new york fashionistas, many of the most engaging fashions and styles happen in far strewn corners of the pan-geographica. today, we will take a look at these daring fashion setters and their perspectives on what is what to wear, and WHY.

kazakhastan's eagle hunters

fashionable in multiple senses, the eagle hunters know the secret of accessorizing: eagle and hat, this man looks like he means business. the hat is decorative without loosing any serious implications of stature or rigidity. the eagle acts as an ever-changing accessory and also as defence. rather than a mangy little dog, like most westerners have, the eagle is independant, sharing responsibilities like hunting and protecting.

after the eagle has killed its prey, the hunter allows it to have the first taste, as a gesture of respect and gratitude. the eagle in exchange, maintains cordial relations. the eagle, the most important aspect of this ensemble is a symbol employed by many cultures, even appearing on the flag of new york state, but kazakhastan takes the utilization of the eagle's majesty into a much deeper, literal sense, applying it to everyday apparel.

mother and child in afghanistan
obviously, this little girl's green with sequin matching bonnet/dress set is totally adorable, but then, placed next to her is the grey hijab of her mother, jacquared with subtle hexagonal viewing mesh. the color of the grey in contrast with the bright green is quite a daring statement to make, enhancing the outfit of the mother substantially. both thusly look elegant and well paired, while maintaining a traditional and conservative look.

iraq hay fields
this little girl has not yet been tainted by western fashions she may have seen on the american soldiers that have likely invaded her neighborhood. she does seemed to have formed a serious demeanor never the less, making her serious and probing gaze comparable to that of the western model. her fashion is much better though, as it is obvious that to her, accesorizing comes naturally. the subtle hues of her bracelet and headband accompany what might otherwise have been misconstrued as "busy" capri-sleeved dress.

this will conclude today's topic of world fashion.

stop the presses!

look! i still have a blog! so far, all efforts to make blog posts in recent times have been thwarted, due partly to the evil ruler time and partly to his more evil commrad, indulgence. yes, indulgence meaning not doing things properly or for the right reasons, or also just being too exhausted to make better decisions. better decisions like writing in the blog.
so, i have, in the very few moments that i have spent with my computer in recent times (i've been whoring around with *ugh* a desktop ), compiled some things to blog about. not that i will blog about them with the initial enthusiasm as i would have, say, a month ago, but, it still seems worth a go...
what do we have here?

there were riots in mexico a few weeks ago and the city police got it good!

as you can see here, the young folk are gloating in their success...
what's this?
black people in outerspace!
i have no idea where that came from. i think it's a record cover or something...?
ok, i have a better idea for a blog post. i'm going on to the next one.

Wednesday, May 10

alchemy notes

The dark material fire of the black sun divides spirit and soul from the putrefied body.

Decay is a wonderful smith, who transfers one element to the other.


some plans for june:
practice banjo
photo series (planned but secret)
help dad build porch on his house
put in a couple days a week at dole's orchard
practice driving
fox spell
ummm. i don't know.
it's kind of a mess. lisxszzzz, i wish you would take over for a bit and ground this blog with some practical diagrams and explanations on how to use illustrator, or something. or a critique of dumbo workDay streetFashion, cause i'm flailing. i only see people (i.e. friends) at night - sometimes - and it's beginning to get weird. and the gray weather show no signs of stopping. it's messing with my circadian rhythms -- toooooo bright and no discernable modulation of tone. ahhh.

Wednesday, May 3

isn't that what love is made of?


i eat things in a weird way, most of the time. liz calls it 'utilitarian,' but i think she's wrong about what it means to eat only a couple of ingredients - often in unexpected combinations - at a time.

it's a FULLER appreciation of each component!
also, one of my favorite things is to eat a huge quantity of a certain vegetable, until it's flavor no longer makes sense,

6 servings steamed spinach
whole bag baby carrots (with wasabi dip)
3 grapefruits
three tomatoes (with salt n' pepper, who just happened to stop by)
half a pound snow peas
(each of these were at different sittings, i hope you understand)
large can canned corn

i also like to make what i call 'raw sweet stew.'
you mix ginger preserves, plain yogurt, bananas, sunflower seeds, coriander, cold oatmeal, and dried spicy mango into a nice textured - you guessed it - 'stew.'
i ate that last night.
there are so many possibilities for what you use, but it has to be cold, include sweet fruit, and at least one spice. try it!

i'm also getting good at salads because i persuade the kids i nanny to enjoy them more and more these days.
i use lots of pine nuts, goat cheese, balsamic vinegar and - stay with me now - celery! hmmm, i guess that's not so special...

maybe i've said too much.
i've just been thinking about food today because i have accupuncture tomorrow and i want to ask her if she thinks i should go on a detox adventure.

oh, i went to a store that sells old prints (from 19th century anatomy, botony, and childrens' books, maps, etc.) and almost lost my bearings, i was so overcome with delight.

they had a page from one of my old favorite books when i was very small, called, The Vege-Men's Revenge (originally published in 1897, but reissued in 1987).

it's sooo great, it's a precursor to the wizard of oz/alice in wonderland.
this girl Poppy falls down a hole in a field or something and goes to the land of the vegetables and they plant her and she grows and multiplies and then they get ready to cook her all up and have a feast.

so she learns the valuable lesson that plants feel anger, are vicious, don't like being eaten, or something.

the best part is, when all the little 'veggie-Poppies' come up, in all the shapes of regular veggies, they're all wearing little blue and white striped dresses, and they all have headbands, too!!!